Where Monsters Grow … Shadow Files
He whispers, you'll never do that, you'll never follow through with those goals and dreams, your worthless. A soul who hadn't become one with the gutter would swat away such nonense, but for me the bottom of the barrel left supprisingly enduring stains, wounds that are still healing despite the years. I question and doubt myself far more then's healthy. Its amazing how a small key unlocks a comelling decent into feeling small & rotten. How our past ripples through. How multifacitated we are.
My sin & My confession : Ive not made time to do my tax return or business acconuts. I just simply abondaned them. On the shelf in my mind, the shadow of the ignorned got heavyer and grew. In the beginning I was just to busy with the business, run off my feet keeping the shop stocked for the summer season. Then a new relationship and building a home together consumed me.
How easy it is to forget the importance of tending ones own personal affairs. That is self care. Its putting yourself first. Juicy adult shit. Well, last night, after weeks of plans slipping around like waters beyond my control.... I arrived. The anxiety was extreme, I was nauseus and full of shame. I missprinted the statements, wasted lots of paper, then lit a candle and prayed for help desperatly. It felt like I was facing a mountain down.
The power of the shadows. Neglected, abandoned, in the dark things grow. Like my accounts Id put off for half a year. Woof half a year can just go by, life is full and busy. Perhaps you have a cabinet in your conciousness that you are resilently avoiding opening? Very stoick of you, and no doubt you've creatively generated an abundance of reasons why you just dont have the time/later you will... Deal with it.
Yet those places grow the more we avoid them, they get bigger, and they have power over us. Avoidance is sneaky. Our minds are very skilled at tricking us. And suddlenly time ticks by.... Monsters grow in the shadows.
Well. Those montsers arnt so big and bad and scary, if you but shine a light in those dark corners and listen. Our shadows have storys to tell, storys that are full of gifts and peices of ourself, full of power.
Sorting through my accounts was a journey, I was brought to tears with pride at the milestones and storys I found in there. Numbers dont lie, and in fact my finances were singing with a humble prosperity despite my shame and forboding.
So as the autumn decends … I ask you. What lies growing in the shadows for you? What have you filled away and abondaned. Shadows grow to protect a gem. Something precious lies in the shadows, they grow big because they are asking us to listen. Take courage, write a list of all the shit the weighs on your mind, things you ignore or avoid but know are important. Then (I find the wanning moon supportive) do them. Work your way through that list.
I believe this is healthy dopamine training or something like that. Its definatly empowering and the release of energy when you bust one of those dusty ‘job’s is wild!
Free yourself, check yourself, self respect is sexy x